JUST ANYTHING

It is time. For an update.

2009-12-11T01:40:00.003+05:30

Before I start off let me tell you that Hindustan Times did NOT pay me to plug their tagline in my title. They did however give a lot to my college BMM fest Cutting Chai, and for that I thank them. So! How's it going people? All good? Been long time no? Everything okay at home? I've been great, thanks. Just too busy (read lazy) to write here. I swear, I had to clear out a few cobwebs that had formed over my login window. When I logged in, the Blogspot people actually used the age old Indian-distant-relative-meeting-at-wedding-after-years line.

"Amogh! You've become so big! It's been so long! You remember who I am? You used to hang out with me when you were younger."

Yeah. That happened.

So anyway, I've been busy with two festivals that I did in the past 2 months. Ironically, those two were in fact the ONLY two things that I did in the last 2 months. Sex life jokes apart, it was fun. First I was a part of my beloved Cutting Chai for one last time. TY and all. Emotional atyachaar happening. Oh who am I kidding, these juniors are going to call me to help them out with the fest content next year anyway. The umbilical cord shall not be cut off that easy! *devil laugh goes here*

After that I took part in Jai Hind College's BMM fest - Detour. To put it in really modest words, without boasting or anything, we won. The entire fest. We won it. Us. National College. Winners. Win. Us.
As for me, first place Ad Campaign, Second place drama and second place Scriptwriting. Winner. Me. Win. Me. Us. Champ.

Met a couple of nice people there, and while talking to one of them I realised how similar BMM intro chats can be to giving out your relationship status:

Guy: Hey! so what's up. How's everything?
Girl: All good man. Everything's falling into place :)
Guy: So, advertising or journalism?
Girl: Oh, ad. It's been 6 months now. I'm really liking it. I mean, it's a new experience for me! What about you?
Guy: Oh me? Journo. And very happy to be. I think I'll stay journo for another 5 months or something, and then I can see where it takes me.

So anyway, I think I've cracked a decent amount of jokes, reached a respectable word count, entertained you enough to keep you satisfied for another week maybe. Guess it's time to say farewell again. Plus, it's 2 in the morning and I have to get up at 7. I need some sleep too no? So til next time, by when you might just have had grandkids.

Mindless Rant of a Bored BMMite

2009-07-28T10:58:00.002+05:30

I sit here in the BMM Department wondering what to do. I nap. People wake me up. I sit on the computer and try to visit unmentionable sites. A professor walks past. It's just one of those days.
See people THIS is what happens when you come 30 minutes before lecture time. All the talks that your parents gave you about respecting professors time and about how it is disrespectful to go into a lecture is all bollocks. Chill out. Go 10 minutes late. You will get attendance and not have to sit through 10 minutes of torture. Win-win eh?

Also, I'm cringing due to the lack of good quality humour around me. There's a few quality blogs out there, bu that's it. Even Indiblogger nominated filthy blogs written by people whose intellect tells them that something like a baboon scratching its own red arse is funny. Wake up people. And it's not just these blogs! Being mdia students, we get to script quite a few plays for college fests and intra college events. Again, me and a trusted friend are called to funnyfy (if that's even a word) a complete bland script. It's like quality humour is really dying.

Not even the radio spares me. Suresh Menon, dude, you've done the Great Indian Comedy Show. Okay, so you were a decent success there. But please, for the sake of God and all his disciples on earth, don't bask under the self belief that you actually are funny. You are not. Period. My 4 year old cousing can crack jokes better than you. And I'm not exaggerating here. Seriously dude, wtf is up with your pseudo gay or whatever act going on on Red? Dr. Honey Balkar? WTF?! Oh, no wait. It's Dr. Honey Balkar Balkar Balkar....with the echo added by yourself for added effect. That irritating voice. The laugh which sounds like you are being humped by a camel. And the increasingly poor quality of jokes that you crack, and that dimwit of a co-host Jose (or Hoe Jay, going by the way he pronounces his own name) just makes me cry.

Yeah. My lecture's about to start. See ya.

Sea-Link? Picnic Spot? Difference?

2009-07-04T00:00:00.003+05:30

So tonight, like around a thousand Mumbaikars I too decided to go on a drive on the recently inaugurated, much hyped Bandra-Worli Sealink. Of course, since it's opening to the public almost every man, woman and child living in this city has decided to go on it, with the announcement of the first week being toll free being an added incentive.

Yeah, that's the one fundamental law of this country: If it's free, we'll go for it. No matter what it is.

Anyway, there's been a lot of traffic congestion near and on the sealink only because so many people have come there to use it and the govenrment seeing the upcoming Assembly elections have found this the perfect time to unveil the new feather in their cap, albeit its missing an important segment on the second bridge, making only one bridge usable and the four way lanes becoming two way each for oncoming and going. Let's not even get started on that.

Looking past all there niggles, we decided to go for it anyway, experience it for ourselves, me and a bunch of friends. As we expected there was shitloads of traffic, but it was well managed by the officials. Now, there's been a lot of talk in the newspapers about the sealink not doing anything to the traffic woes of this city and it being much much slower than it promised to be.

I say what the fuck?

Obviously it's going to be shit crowded in the initial week. It's a new landmark for God's sake! Everyone will want to use it! Plus, remember the no toll initiative? The fundamental law? Secondly, when I went today, I found out the real reason for the traffic congestion. No, it's not because only one bridge of two is open. No, it's not because literally the entire city is heading towards the bridge.

It's because of the dimwitted morons who think using one lane of the two for parking and getting down and clicking photos against the main cable stay of the bridge is why the govenrment built this sealink. Once I passed them, there was no traffic whatsoever.

Now I seriously wish they begin to charge the toll soon. That's probably the only way to make sure these idiots don't break the law, and generally act stupid. Charge them for it.

Now That's Inappropriate!

2009-07-03T01:25:00.002+05:30

Official correspondence can be quite the pain in the arse. You have to be over-formal and exorbitantly polite to people you don't even know and in the worst case scenario, you haven't even met. Writing those long emails about business proposals (for successful multinational company CEOs) and sponsorship proposals (for the yet to be successful media students like me who can only think about getting money for college festivals) is most often the worst part of any job.

In hard times like these, let me give you 5 lines you might want to slip into your e-mails for a good chuckle:

1) "What are you wearing right now, sweetheart?"

Example:

Hello Aanchal,

We here at *company name* would....like to know what you're wearing right now, sweetheart ;)....as we feel that you are the ideal person for this post.

2) "Wanna dance?"

Example:

Hello Aanchal,

We here at *company name* would like to inform you that you have been chosen as the new Senior executive - Sales because of your tremendous work last year, due to which we feel that you are the ideal person for this post. So, wanna dance?

3) "Those are awesome!"

Example:

Hello Aanchal,

We here at *company name* would like to inform you that you have been chosen as the new Senior executive - Sales because...those are awesome!

4) "You're place or mine?"

Example:

Hi Aanchal,

Following is a notice for you to shift to...you're place or mine?...till the duration of the renovation of the office.

5) "Shake what you're mamma gave you"

Example:

Hi Aanchal,

In accordance with the Employee Redressal Act, you are hereby requested to...shake what you're mamma gave you...

Please do understand that actually putting any of these lines in an actual official mail might see you lose your job, your family and your dignity forever. Not that I think you guys are stupid, but I just need to be sure. Also, I have no grudge against any Aanchal in this world. It was merely the first name that came to my head and so I decided to use it.

Till next time, fellas.

Of Random Conversations And Teething Problems

2009-06-20T00:04:00.003+05:30

I know a lot of genetically stupid people. I don't hate them — yes, well sometimes I DO feel like butchering them and keeping their spleen as a memento — but I have to admit that at times they provide excellent entertainment for poor ol' bored to hell me.

Like this one time when I was online doing absolutely nothing but just staring at the big computer screen when an acquaintance of mine (NOT friend. I know this person*, but not well enough to call this person my friend. Call me high and mighty if you please but that's how it's going to be, bitches) suddenly IMs me the golden instant messaging question:

What's up?

Okay, not what's up. Wassup is more like it. Or whaddup. Whatap. Whatever.

To which I reply the golden instant messaging answer:

Nothing Much.

Okay, not nothing much. NM is more like it. Or nommuch. Nothing. Nada. Whatever.

This is something that amazes me. An instant messaging conversation will always, ALWAYS start with colorful variations of what's up, and nothing much. You might be wanking off to B-grade porn, but you will still reply nothing much. You might be fighting with your mother, talking on the phone with your girlfriend, eating food and getting your chest waxed, but you will STILL reply nothing much, and THEN explain everything that you're doing.

Okay, coming back to the story. So I said nothing much, and this person does the most predictable thing. He/she/it tells me he/she/it needs my help with something. Now most of the people on my friends list who I hardly talk to, almost always message me when they need my help. It's a great ego-boost for me you know, me helping people in times of crisis and all that jazz, but not with this one. This one had a unique problem.

He/she/it didn't know what the railings are used for in bowling.

However astonished and surprised I was, I decided to play the nice guy and tell this person what they are used for: to prevent the ball from going into the gutter. Unfortunately, it took me roughly 30 minutes or repeating myself and explaining what the words 'noob' and 'amateur' mean in the process to get my point across — that railings are used to prevent the ball from going into the gutter. I pity your stupidity, but really, thanks a ton for making me laugh, giving me something to blog about, and last but not the least, giving me 30 minutes of entertainment in an otherwise boring period of the day.

* (I use multiple pronouns not because I have doubts about the concerned persons' gender and/or sexual preference, but because I wish to keep his/her/it's identity a secret.)

******************

Moving on to world football for a while, FC Porto's talented young right back Aly Cissokho was supposed to be transferred to Italian giants AC Milan. Both the parties had met, agreed upon a transfer fee, and a routine medical on the player was ordered. That's where it all went wrong. Apparently, the doctors found something wrong with the player's teeth, resulting in the transfer falling out, Cissokho's dreams falling apart, his agent losing out on a LOT of money.

Because of a tooth defect. Wtf?!

Is he going to get sent off too often for biting opponents and probably injecting them with a rare human poison, thus proving to be a liability more than an asset to Milan? Jeez!

Nude Football.

2009-06-05T23:20:00.004+05:30

Okay, don't get ideas by just looking at the title of this post. You are not going to see images of women (or men, according to your preference) playing football in their birthday suits. This is a two part post, one part which revolves around football and the other around nudity. Don't get your hopes up again, this is a minor friendly blog, barring the language of course, and that's not going to change. So again, no pictures.

Playing football in Shivaji Park is an awesome feeling. We're around 20 of us who play every alternate day. 10 each side. Then there's always the two unknown idiots who come from nowhere and ask you 'can we play?' and even though you don't want them to because they seem to be douchebags, you let them. Why? Well more the merrier!

Every team is then bound to have at least two suckers, who really suck at whatever job they're given. You tell them to defend, they'll probably score two own goals. You tell them to go up front in attack? They'll probably steal the ball off one of your own teammates and horribly miss the easy chance that your other teammate, or his 2 year old cousin would have put in with his eyes closed.

Then there's the all knowing football God. He'll dictate play. He'll organize and strategize. He'll decide the formations, and give useless team talks. And then when you've given him an overlapping run on the wing, he'll miss the ball entirely while passing and your run will go to waste.

Of course, the game will still be brilliant. Lots of good passes, lots of hard tackles. And lots of unknown sweat on your body. The really amazing part about all this is, inspite of ALL this commotion. Inspite of 20 people playing in one are of the park, four elderly women will still walk right through the pitch. The whole ground is there for them to trudge around, but no, they will walk by, and slowly at that, through 20 people playing a good fast game of football.

Playing football in Shivaji Park is the best thing in the world.

*******

I've been reading the Bombay Times (please forgive me for my joblessness) a lot recently, and I can't help but notice how many actors and actresses are questioned about their take on nudity in films and whether they would do it. 99% of the times, the answer is "if the script demands it, I will".

Now, I'm not anti-nudist or anything. I really don't care if Mr. X shows off his buttocks or Miss. Z shows a breast or two. Pray tell me, how does the SCRIPT of a movie justify it? I mean, if you have to show your bum to the world for two seconds, because it's aesthetically done, what difference would it make if you cut those two seconds off completely? Or cut off the frame below the waist?

Just a thought.

Dry Days.

2009-05-31T17:11:00.003+05:30

I seem to have hit a dry patch recently. Not with alcohol. Not with women.

With games.

It's absolutely essential for a gamer to be constantly linked to virtual space if he is to avoid the rapid degeneration of gamer cells located in the hypothalamus region of the right hemisphere of the brain (in layman's terms, boredom). Unfortunately for me, that's exactly what seems to be happening. Even more unfortunately, it's happening at the worst time ever: vacations.

There are absolutely no good games coming out at this time of the year. What makes it worse is that I play on my computer, and developers seem to have consciously decided to piss me (and other computer gamers) off by focusing their time and energy towards developing games for the consoles. Now, don't get me wrong, I have an Xbox 360, and I love high-def gaming, but paying Rs. 2000 for a game is grossly overpriced in my opinion.

For those who know me, I recently hit the jackpot of exchanging my old GeForce 8800 GTS 320 MB graphics card, which went kaput for a brand new GeForce 8800 Ultra 768 MB card, for just Rs. 3000. Now, it's just lying there catching dust inside my cabinet, because there is nothing out there which can make me really sweat it. These days the only workout it gets is hours of playing Football Manager 2009, which is a really addictive game no doubt, but it can run perfectly fine on neandarthal computers and after playing for 20 seasons it gets kind of, well, repetitive.

Desperation of testing this card went to the limit of me reinstalling World in Conflict and finishing it in 3 days. I'm happy to say that it cruised through with all settings cranked up. As if that was going to be a problem for the Ultra. Heh.

I cna only wait for the third and fourth quarters of this year when mouth watering games are set to release. For now, it's back to playing FM 2009 and Texas Hold'em Deluxe!

The Loyal Machine.

2009-05-21T23:33:00.004+05:30

I recently saw I, Robot.

I know, I saw it 6 years late. So sue me.

What is funny is I'm reminded of a scene in the movie, where one Nestor 4 model has to make a choice about saving a small girl, or Will Smith's character from drowning and it makes a logical choice of saving Will Smith, since he has a 45% chance of survival and the girl has an 11 % chance. This, inspite of Smith shouting at the robot to save the girl.

My computer is a lot like this robot. It's loyal to me.

I say this after an 'incident' that occured in my house last night. As usual, I was slouched on my precious computer chair, staring into the endless abyss that is The Internets. All of a sudden, I smelt a strong chemical like smell. Not knowing what it is, I got up and saw outside the window to see if something was wrong outside. Not finding anything, I turned around to get back on the computer, but before I could sit, I stared down with horror.

My computer was on fire.

There was smoke coming out of the cabinet, and through the transparent side panel of my case, I could see flames. Involuntarily I screamed out the expletive which describes copulation and dived at the power button to switch the computer off, with my worst fears being hardware damage. 5 seconds, but the computer refused to shut down. Smoke was still coming, and here was my computer running as if all was peachy. Another 2 seconds later, I get a message on the screen:

"Windows is shutting down, please save your work and close any running programs."

SAVE MY WORK?! I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOUR ARSE STUPID COMPUTER!

All's well that ends well though, as it did shut down, without an emergency shutdown (which can damage the computer in the long run) and I found out there was no hardware damage. Just the power connector of my SATA hard disk melted. That's it. Nothing serious. 10 seconds more and my 250 GB hard disk would have burnt down, leading to other hardware getting charred and possible exploding too. But nothing serious. It's all good now.

If there ever was a loyal machine, my computer would be it. Trust me, the Machine Rule is not far away.

Elecson Ka Din.

2009-04-30T12:49:00.002+05:30

So today, after 18 years of political inactivity (mainly because it is not possible for a person under-18 to vote) I finally voted for the first time, and quite an experience it was too.

I went to the polling booth with my folks, and after looking at my voter's slip, i figured my name was assigned to room number 5 and their's was in room number 7. So I went into my room full of confidence, and then came the first stumbling block — room number 5 said my name was not there, and that my serial number was supposed to be in room number 7. I told them that my voter's slip said room number 5, but they pointed out that room number 5 fell under voter list part 143, and my name was in part 144, which very conviniently was in room number 7.

So i switched lines, and waited even more patiently for my turn to come, and come it did. I showed the officer my photo ID and he verified my name was there. It was. Next table was the one which i was waiting eagerly for — the one where they put the ink on your index finger — the mark which states that you have voted. Like a child going at candy, i went at the table and put my hand down for them to do their job. Only, instead of my index finger the put the ink on my middle finger — just as they had done to all the other voters. Meh, I said. Big deal. On to the actual process!

I went up to the voting machine and stared at it for roughly 4.6 seconds. I then realised that just staring isn't going to do anything, you actually have to press the blue button next to the name of the candidate you want to vote for. I did. And the machine beeped. For a slightly longer time than usual. Almost like it wanted to tell the world that Amogh Ranadive has finally voted. I walked out with my head held high.

While going in I saw some news vans parked outside and correspondants waiting for people to interview. I was dead sure that they would approach me while coming out, since I'm fairly cute, young and perhaps the face of young India voting for the first time. Sure enough, one female reported approached me. I gave her my quote in a matter of fact tone, making her give me a 'oh these young kids know so much, they make such profound statements' smile. Then I wanted to show the camera my voter's mark proudly. But I couldn't.

Flashing my middle finger on national television would be way too insulting no?

Dysfunction.

2009-03-26T01:57:00.002+05:30

If you think this post has anything to do with the syndrome which involves the inability to 'get it up' you better look elsewhere you pervert. This is NOT a sexual entry, and this is NOT a sexual blog. However, what I will be taking you through today, is something more interesting than sex. Okay, I jest. Nothing is more interesting than sex. But the government in India omes a close second, mind you.

So now that I'm 19 and all (I was 18 last year) and since the chair of PM is up for grabs and all, I decided to be a good citizen and register myself to vote. I 'thought' of it 2 months before, went through 3 extensions to the final day of registrations, and two days back, finally got my lazy arse off the computer chair and into the ERO's (Election Registration Officer, for the politically challenged ) office to get my name on the voter's list. What was awaiting me was 2 hours of pure madness.

Things I learnt with my two hours at the ERO. Friends, take my advice seriously if you plan to visit in the next few days:

1) There will always be a line of around 15 people as soon as you neter, no matter what time. What's worse, there will be two other lines for the same thing from two different sides.

2) This will invariably lead to a fight between members of two lines, with the slower line member going "Hum kya chutiye hai idhar line mein khade hone ke liye?!" (Are we dumbfucks to stand in line here?!)

3) The one who's getting his work done will plead not-guilty, and say "Arre bas poochna hai" (Just want to ask something, that's all!)

4) This same person, under the guise of asking will get a form, fill it, submit it, get it verified, go get a photocopy of proof documents that he doesn't have, and STILL get his work done faster than you. Of course, he is just asking a few questions.

5) You will always be asked stupid questions like "Is this line for registrations?", "What do we have to submit?" and "Am I in the right constituency?" You dumbfucks, if I knew, I'd be manning a desk called HELPDESK. However, being the friendly Indians that we are, we will politely answer all these questions, and feel good about ourselves.

6) There will ALWAYS be a person who disrupts the queue in every counter in the office asking idiotic questions like "What do I do once I have verified my address?". Beware of these fuckers, there's no escaping them.

7) The toilet will always stink. Badly.

After experiencing all this shit, I finally got my form submitted. Now, I can just wait for my name to magically appear on the voters list, so I can go and vote for another fucker who will do no good for our nation. It's a lovely feeling I tell you.

Go register yourself. Vote, for a change. Vote for a change.

Nicknames

2009-03-16T02:02:00.003+05:30

It's 2 A.M and I'm not the least bit sleepy. This should be indication enough that this post is going to be pretty pointless. I would normally throw in a line of self-pity here, and say 'it's going to be pointless, like the rest of my blog' but I will not, because well my blog THE best blog ever and I am THE best writer ever. Modesty is a quality I possess in abundance.

So because I can't sleep, I started to think of random things, and for some reason Alex Rodriguez came into my mind. Now I hate baseball, and I've never even bothered to see it but from what I've read of this dude, I find his nickname extremely hilarious.

A-ROD.

Can you believe that! His nick name is a rod. He is A ROD. I pity his girlfriend when she's introducing him to somebody — "And this is my boyfriend, a rod."

Okay. Not funny.

What IS funny however, is when we apply the same nickname principle to some other random names. For instance, my friend Arvind Menon should be called A-MEN. He' s going to be extremely popular with all the choir girls, I'll tell you that! Paris Hilton's boyfriend, Benji Madden (I know I promised an entire post on him, but I just haven't had the time) would be B-MAD. My friend Nikhil Chalam would then be N-CHA. Sounds like a Pussycat Dolls number, dunnit?

"N-CHA wish your girlfriend was hot like me...."

Without doubt, the worst nickname ever would be for a guy who has the misfortune to have this name — Peter Nischolls. I'm not going to say what his nickname would be. Figure it out.

Little Updates.

2009-03-09T09:42:00.002+05:30

I feel sick. Not physically, but more mentally. Okay, I admit, a little physically as well. I just woke up, I'm still groggy and my body aches like a bitch. I'll need some time to get back into normal everyday mode. The house is empty. All the doors and windows are closed, because pigeons around my building have decided that may house is the best to copulate and lay eggs in.

I feel mentally sick because I haven't worked in ages. I haven't written. There are two stories just lying there in my backlog — unfinished, unpolished, gathering dust. There's a novel which I'm reading, which I haven't touched in like 5 days now. I have to watch Trainspotting and The Beach, which I've been telling myself to do since a month now maybe. I also need to read Watchmen, before I go watch the movie. And I have done none of these things. Why? I am too busy playing Football Manager 2009. I'm a gaming cunt.

----------------

I just saw two kids pass under my house, in school uniforms. They were from my old school. Got me all nostalgic. We had to change schools after 4th standard, because our primary school was just a primary school. Going into high school was a milestone, but it was also scary. The new school would be slightly further, I would have to go alone, or by bus. The fear of being the only one there from my primary school. The fear of making new friends. Calling up my best friend to find out which school he'd taken admission in. Jumping with joy after finding out he was in my school. Getting dressed for the first day. Nervously entering the new building. Walking up towards the class. Realizing its my entire 4th standard class, except a few.

And the next 6 years.

2009-02-18T01:28:00.004+05:30

"Ever since I met him, I don't feel the need to light my cigarette anymore."

- A TY with the initials V.R who is dating an SY with the initials A.M

Light has mass.

2009-02-18T00:49:00.002+05:30

Some dimwitted moron who was suffering from gonorrhea once said that the randomest of conversations can take place in public transport. Turns out the same dimwitted moron who was suffering from gonorrhea was actually right.

Take for example buses. They stop every 7 minutes and 43 seconds (yes, if you have the time, count. That is the EXACT time between two bus stops on any bus route) to pick up and drop people from each strata of society. Me and my friend couldn't care less. For us, the bus was merely a means to get from point A to point B without spending too much, point A being college and point B being office. Expecting a tough day at work, we decided to make bad jokes on everything we saw.

So I started out with this one:

SNOWMAN 1: Dude, what's up?

SNOWMAN 2: Not much, just chilling.

Okay, I know how pathetic that was, but more jokes followed, going from pure sad to full-on perverted. So much that the girl and guy sitting on the seat in front of us who were having a good conversation with each other stopped talking and refused to even look at each other.

Volume II - The Cab.

I'm pretty sure that all of you have at least once had fun with the reflections of your watch and/or cellphone in class. My mate decided to play with the reflection of his watch while on our way to college in a cab. Now, the reflection was falling on the back of the front seat, and we were sitting on the front of the back seat. So my legs were right next to the back of the front seat, exactly aligned with the reflection. Taking advantage of this horrendous situation, he decided to play 'bounce' with the reflection on my knees. Bounce! On one knee...jump and Bounce! off the other knee!

This went on for a good 5 minutes, before i blurted out, "Dude, I can almost feel the reflection on my knees." A perfectly harmless, non-serious and obviously non-true statement. But he, in his confused world of reflection bouncing replied with a puzzled, "Yeah?"

What followed was lots of pointing and laughing and him trying in vain to tell me that he did not hear me properly and that he knows light does not have mass.

Of course it doesn't you dumb fuck.

The Salwar-Kameez Bitchfight.

2009-02-16T02:29:00.003+05:30

College can be such a fun place. If your not busy doing unimportant things like attending lectures and making an effort to avoid that KT, you can actually sit in the campus and observe some of the phenomenons of college life, just like I did the other day.

Some weeks back, me and a friend were lucky to come across what we call a 'Salwar-Kameez Bitchfight'. For all you retarded science fiction and Stephen King lovers, no, it did not involve two unmanned (or un-womaned) salwar kameezes fighting over who has got lesser creases. The salwar kameezes were in fact womaned by two..err..women.

Now I don't mean to be demeaning, but I think every college going reader that I have will agree with me when I mention the 'benji' class of people (quite unlike Paris Hilton's absurdly named boyfriend-cum-pet chiuhahua Benji Madden, hyuk hyuk, I'll make fun of him later!). These girls have over oiled hair tied up in tight plaits, the ID card neatly around their necks, and a bag on their back which makes you think they mistook college for school, with space for 10 textbooks and 10 notebooks.

Anyway, so two warriors from this species were going at it in front of the college canteen. Perfect lunch drama for me and my mate. So we grabbed ourselves some rolls, and sat down to enjoy the show. Here is how the conversation unfolded:

BENJI 1: Youshaddapokay? Tu samajhti kya hai apne aap ko?
BENJI2: Aye jyada natak mat kar, maine uske bola tha ke tune mujhe waise nahi bola. Itoldhertomindherownbizzness.
BENJI 1: Tu saali chudail....dontlie!

Notice how everything said in English is said without taking pauses. It's almost as if they want to blurt it all out before they forget a word or two. I'm mean I know.

Until next time, which by looking at the time difference between this post and the last, could be decades from now.

It's Coming.

2008-09-09T22:40:00.002+05:30

Ladies and gentlemenm boys and girls. The time has finally arrived. The Bhai is coming. Soon. Stay tuned.

Confused.

2008-08-28T14:48:00.004+05:30

The MNS recently asked, or in better terms demanded that all shopkeepers must have a signboard written in Marathi. This rule was active anyway, but it saw shopkeepers put up a very small Marathi name for name's sake. Now the MNS wants the Marathi name to be as prominent, if not bigger than the English one.

As usual everyone has already began terming this move as wrong, severely criticizing the MNS. I ask why? Sure, the MNS has been overly violent in their 'handling' of the North Indian issue, but why should people have a problem with this move? Just because it is the MNS who is demanding it? Wake up people. I believe there is absolutely nothing wrong in this move.

I have been down south on more than one occasion, and everywhere I went I saw all the signboards (yes, not just the shop signboards, but major hoardings on the street as well) written in Kannada, Tamil, Malyalam or Telegu. Why should the MNS be blamed if it wants the same thing for Mumbai? Because it is written in a language which YOU cannot read?

I agree there was no need to get unnecessarily violent in the previous causes the MNS had taken up. Don't slap taxi drivers if they are Bihari, slap them if they don't go where you want them to, regardless of whether they are Gujrati's, Tamilians or even Maharashtrians. Or even better, if you have a huge supply of workers who have nothing else to do, slap a person who spits or urinates on the road. Don't rough up companies and demand a specific amount of jobs for Maharashtrians, instead encourage the Maharashtrians to work hard to earn that job.

But what's wrong with having signboards in Marathi? How can you call this city your home if you do not know the native language? How proudly we call ourselves Mumbaikars. Are we worthy? Today if for some reason I migrate to Bangalore, I cannot live there not knowing Kannada. IT IS THE SAME CASE HERE. If you have set up your home in a city, learn its language, And I do not say this only to non-Maharashtrians. I know Maharashtrians who refuse to speak their mother tongue. Do not turn your back on your own culture! But do not disrespect the native language either.

Today's Mirror talks about CBSE and ICSE schools debating whether Marathi should be included as a subject, merely becuase its students 'do not want to learn it'.

It saddens me. It really does.

We're going to Hyderabad!

2008-08-15T14:34:00.003+05:30

The time has come! That time of the year when we all go on an industrial visit, which actually means we go on a daaru trip for a week in a place which hardly has any industry worth noticing. Even if it does, we are too drunk to notice.

The thing is, I have nothing to write about. Life has been okay, nothing new. My internet is back. Back on full speed. This post is a compulsion. As I write there are two people holding guns to my head.

Bang.

Update.

2008-08-10T22:18:00.003+05:30

Wow, it's been exactly 23 days, 7 minutes and 53 seconds since I last visited Blogger to publish a new post. I actually counted the days, minutes and seconds, instead of doing something constructive. Clearly, I need to get a life.

Which is exactly what I will be doing. Since a few days back, I have been working on a personal project, a dream project. Today I can say it is almost complete. I, with an able friend Tanmay (NOT Bhat) will be putting up my very own gaming website, where I will publish news, reviews, previews etc. The new site should be up by the end of this week, if all goes well.

I'm looking forward to seeing you guys drop by there! And no, unfortunately, I will not stop writing here.

P.S: My frequent disconnections have pretty much stopped, thanks to the constant complaining. However, now my 2 mbps speed has been reduced to 512 kbps for reasons unknown to anyone but God, and that idiot sitting in the MTNL server room (and no, they are not the same) and my phone has completely stopped working. Well, no disconnections at least.

The World I'd Like To Live In

2008-07-24T16:37:00.002+05:30

So after a really long time some knd soul on this planet decided to tag me. The world calls her Henna. So do I. Therefore, I am the world. So all you half-assed freaks out there longing for world domination better think twice.

Keeping my absurdly pathetic sense of humour aside, Henna asked me to write about the world that I'd like to live in. Well, I would have said Venus, cause you know, women come from there and all. But alas, as if to purposely spite me or something like that Henna decided to waste an entire afternoon to write 6 points on a make-believe world. So now I am going to waste an entire evening writing 6 points on a make-believe world:

I would absolutely be thrilled to live in a world where:

1) Alfredo's pasta was as cheap, if not cheaper than a roadside vadapav.

2) Pamela Anderson was a politician, cop, firefighter, paanwaalah, hotel clerk, driver, conductor dhobi....

3) It rained beer.

4) Internet was fast and free.

5) Pamela Anderson was a tax collector, common woman, store owner, behind the counter at McDonalds, Subway, KFC, and every other eatery I go to, my wife...

Well, I didn't write the 6th one because there's still a bit of evening left. And I still have a life.

Broadband my ass.

2008-07-19T23:52:00.003+05:30

These days my daily schedule involves getting up painfully early for college, going to college, making the effort of attending and once lectures are done, hanging out with friends and then coming back to an empty house. Well, not empty per se, I do have my computer you know, my faithful companion of the past 2 years. You see friends, I lead a monotonous, boring life. Thank God I'm already dating someone.

Being the computer addict that I am, it should be of no surprise to you people that I am a huge fan of the internets. If you did not know this, I suggest you start think of innovative ways of committing suicide, before I come to slit your throat that is. This is the point where my mindless rant about all things 'dotcom' starts. Mark this space.

I love watching TV shows, movies etc. Especially shows like Lost and Dexter and Scrubs and Grey's Anatomy and Kahani Hamaray Mahabharat Ki. Okay, I tend to lie a little. I don't watch Grey's Anatomy. Being the quality freak that I am, I accept nothing less than quality High-Definition rips of the aforementioned shows. HD rips are big in size and they take ages to download. But Amogh! You have a supremely sexy God like all knowing high speed internet connection of 2 Mbps with unlimited downloading in the night, isn't it? Yeah well, I do boast about it a lot but when I have finished watching a season of a show and I'm desperately waiting to download the next one my internet refuses to give me the supreme powers of 2 Mbps. Throughout the day it will work fine, but in the night it will obtain a life of its own and will do anything it can to frustrate me. Getting disconnected every 2 hours is one such thing.

Overseas folks get broadband internet at a speed of 16 MBPS for dirt cheap rates. Here, we feel privileged to have 2 MBPS at a rate which would make having lunch at the Taj every month more affordable. And we get nothing from that 2 MBPS connection other than frequent disconnections.

MTNL, you have always been an awesome provider to me. I have shared many memories with you. But lately you have decided to be bitch by refusig to let me download Lost season 4 at optimum speeds. And I type all this at my naani's place where your situation is worse than ever. I'm just glad I got through this blogpost without you deciding to switch off for no reason. I think its high time I got what I pay for.

*Calling MTNL complaint cell...*

Its A Rainy Day.

2008-06-29T20:09:00.002+05:30

Its that time of the year again, when all the angels in heaven suddenly realise that they need to pee badly. Now, humans, ingoorant as they are, prefer to call it 'rain' and be happy. But you really are getting wet in angel pee. So what to do when its raining (yeah right)?

1: Go out, look up, and open your mouth wide. I don't know why you would want to taste angel pee, but thats entirely your outlook.

2: If you have a car, drive through puddles in HIGH speed. and then stop, look back at the people who you brilliantly drowned in angel pee and then point and laugh.

3: Go out, and step into the rains such that onlye your pants get wet. Now come back home, and when confronted by your family member's quizzical looks towards your obviously wet crotch, exclaim "It wasn't me! It was an angel who did it!"

4: While walking down the road, sensously scream out 'I'm wet! I'm wet!' Works wonders if you happen to be a female.

5: Be sensible, sit at home and enjoy a nice cup of coffee/chai/orwhatthefuckeveryouliketodrink with some pakodas/bhajjiyas/orwhatthefuckeveryouliketoeat.

Obsessive Fans

2008-06-08T22:54:00.002+05:30

When you write for a national magazine, you are bound to have excited readers who become your fans. Going by press ethics, it is mandatory for a writer to reply to each and every fanmail he or she recieves. Now having fans is nice, enhances our ego and all. I mean, people all over the country knowing and admiring you can't be a bad thing right? Wrong, because there are some fans who are downright freaky and should be kept well away from civilization in a padded cell or something.
One such person came to our office the other day. Now, readers often have problems with their computers and we are more than happy to solve it for them. That is, provided they listen to us, understand what we are saying, do as we say and never bother us again. This is exactly what such readers don't understand.
So this man walks in, and trust me, he is famous among the team. He has called each and every one of us and chewed our brains for 2 hours at least per call. And the minute we heard him introduce himself, I had to rush for an important meeting, Anand had to pee, Sandeep decided he was late for some work and Dush was the only one left without an excuse. So while Mr. Stalker asked Dush, "SirIhadspokentoyouafewdaysbackandyoutoldmethisiswhatIshoulddo......" we all made a beeline to the exit and as soon as we were out, burst out laughing!

After a while we decided it was high time we helped Dushyant out, so we went back into the Test Center, just in time to hear a gem of a conversation:

STALKER: Sir, I heard that if you put two optical drives it stresses your memory?
DUSHYANT: Uhh...what??
STALKER: Yes, won't that make my PC run slow?
DUSHYANT: No, it won't. Here's what. Open both the optical drive trays and at one time press the eject button to slide both back in. If they both close at relatively the same time, then you are good to go. But if not, then you have some memory issues.

After around 3 hours in our office, this bugger finally left. A line from Dush sums ithe whole experience up:

"It's nice when people want to know. But when they want to keep on knowing without listening to what you are telling them, then it is a perfect scene for murder."

Photo Blog #1

2008-06-06T10:37:00.002+05:30

It seems the Indian Government has no problems in issuing passports to people of an unknown gender.

Manori Mania.

2008-06-04T18:29:00.003+05:30

So after a month of slogging on the June bumper issue, we all decided we neede a break. Immediately a plan was made, leave taken, money pooled in and a destination finalised: Manori Island. We would be spending two adys there, two days of eternal bliss (read: two days of daru, daru and more daru).
While we had initially counted a total of eight guys from the team, two ditched at the last minute. Now, I shall give you a day by day description of what happened.

DAY 1:
While Mr. Organizer Francis 'Doctor' D'sa and newbie Sandeep 'Kalpesh Kamlesh Rajeev Muthuswamy Kiran Dominic Anthony Sampat' Balachandran were already there at 9 am, tired of waiting for us, it was me, Dushyant, Anand and Siddhant who got together at Bandra stn and left together, some 3 hours late. Once we reached the place, we were greeted by expletives coming from the direction of the Doctor and Kalpesh...whatthefuckeverhisnameis Sampat. The rest of the day was spent in having beer, having food, sleeping and chatting. In the night we went out to the beach, to look at the stars, and hopefully catch two dolphins make out.

DAY 2:
Early morning, Anthony left to meet his girlfriend in Pune. Talk about desperation. Then Dushyant left for Singapore. Yes, you heard correctly. he went to Singapore for a day. So it was just the four of us for the rest of the day. After having a foursome in the afternoon, we decided to trek to the end of the beach, and spy on couples making out in the rocks through Francis's telescope. Once we were satisfied, we walked back to the hotel, which was the setting for one of the funniest scenes ever, something which I shall not mention here because its just too fucking embarassing for all parties involved. And no, I did not piss on anybody.
In the night we all got drunk, went to the beach at 1 30 am, and had one of the most satisfying conversations ever.

Ahh, the good times...

10 Websites I Love

2008-05-28T23:06:00.003+05:30

Before I start off with this post I would like to thank Sharanya, whose tag has finally given me a topic to write about. Thank you. No seriously, thank you. Anyhoo, here goest.

10 websites iLove (shite, when did I become an Apple fan?):

GMAIL
Because without it, I would be incomplete. *Pink hearts rain down NOW*

WIKIPEDIA
Laakh dukhon ki ek dava, WIKIPEDIA!

GAMESPOT
Yeah, so they messed up with Kane & Lynch. Me still loves!

EXPLOSM
Sounds like a orgasm, but nothing like it. Cyanide & Happiness a day keeps mental stress at bay.

EBUDDY
Without this, I w0uldn't come online from office!

TORRENTZ.ORG
My source of everything. I will rule the world with this site!

MANUTD
Nuff' said

FACEBOOK
Because its not Orkut

ORKUT
Because it tries too hard to be like Facebook

JUSTANYTHINGUNDERTHESUN
Because the author is God.

Now, I tag Vidita, Tanvi, Henna, Vaidehi and Tanmay.

Old Age.

2008-05-18T22:00:00.003+05:30

Last week we hired a new watchman for the building. Now normally, that would not be too much of a big deal, but it is for me and the ten other families living in our modest building — this is the first from of security my building has ever witnessed since its conception way back in 'godknowshowmanycenturiesback'.

So anyways, the watchman comes only for the night shift, 11 pm to 7 am. The agency is a little low on manpower, so our daytime watchman will be coming a few days from now. Since I've been staying back late in office till like 9 30 each day, I come back home all tired, have my dinner and usually crash in front of the TV. So it was just recently when me and my parents were out till late that I got to see the watchman for the first time.

He was an old fellow, must be 60-plus easily. Pot-bellied and a little unshaven. He saluted my father, with sleepy, tired eyes. Dad realised that his chair was in the terrace, and the keys were in our house. So he asked him to come up with us so that Dad could give him the keys to retrieve his chair. The poor soul was sitting on a borrowed stool for the past 1 hour.

Dad went up first, mom following, and me last. Behind me, Mr. Watchman (I don't know his name) was climbing up the two floors, with both hands pressed against the walls for support, one stair at a time. Dad gave him the keys, he took them, got the chair, and went down for another night of lonliness. I heard from somewhere that he does only night shifts.

If there is one thing that I cannot stand, its somebody in the evening of their lives living it the hard way. Old age is when you relax, take stock of what you have done all your life, give guidance to your young ones and let them take care of you and the family. It is not when you are made to beg on the street or take up low-paying jobs.

Although I must say, Aarti was right. At least Mr. Watchman is well off that he is earning his livelihood in a dignified way. At least he is not on the street.

I'm extremely sorry this post was a little different than my normal style, but I had to write about this.

Gassy Petrol.

2008-04-29T23:32:00.002+05:30

Americans are stupid.

Not only because Mr. George 'Dubya' Bush is their President, but also because of some other nutty things they do.

1) They drive on the ther side of the road.

2) Petrol is Gas, Grey is Gray, Colour is Color, Bill is Check, Note is Bill. I mean, WTF??!!

3) They call football 'soccer'. Ugh. You dumbasses.

4) Their version of 'football' involves very little of kicking the ball with their feet. It actually resembles rugby, but no. Its 'American Football.'

5) They call football 'soccer'.

6) They play baseball. And their national series is called 'World Series'. Narcissists. Sheh.

7) All American superheroes, when out saving the 'world', actually end up saving New York.

8) They call football 'soccer'. Its fucking FOOTBALL for God's sake!

Oh, btw, my motherboard died yesterday, so my only means of coming online is through my PC at office. Please mourn for me.

Towers of Golden Goodness.

2008-04-15T00:10:00.002+05:30

Drunken nights, evenings, mornings, afternoons, days, months, years with friends are fun. I happened to be part of such a lovely evening (or night) with my friends just recently. Now, I know at least 5 people are going to come up to me and suggest that I might be homosexual in a variety of verbal forms for writing about this, but what the hell!

So, a few days back, I was in this faraway land called Malad, for the scripting of a short movie. After a long afternoon of slogging our arses off, we decided to head over to Pop Tate's for a drink in the evening. Forgive me if I said 'A' drink, because we ended up ordering a beer tower — 2.5 litres of Golden Goodness, as Menon rightly puts it. Whats better, we ordered in happy hours. so we saw another tower headed our way!

5 litres of beer down, we were all nicely buzzed and making merry. This was when the power went off. What followed was drunken screaming and wailing. Just as I was about to ask my bladder how it has managed to hold all that beer it told me I needed to pee. I peed. And came back. And went to pee again.

Finally we paid the bill (I don't know if they owed us any change because we just kept the money and left) and came out. Plan was to head to inorbit mall to catch rickshaws to station. Now, Inorbit is 20 mins walking from Pop Tate's, but in our drunkern strupor, we did not realise this and started the long walk. On the way to Inorbit, me and Chillam noticed the Croma outlet. Chillam told me they have a Dell counter inside, which showcases all of Dell's latest computers. I id not pay any attention. I needed to pee. So we went inside Croma. To pee.

At the end of the day, me and Aarti got into one rickshaw and headed home. Plan was, I drop (or she drops me) her to Vile Parle and take a cab from there. I passed out in the rickshaw, my head spinning, as if the rick was going in constant circles. Then we reached Vile Parle. Then I needed to pee. So I peed in a servant toilet behind some building.

Then I took a cab back home. Dad was a little suspicious that I was drunk, but he did not say anything. Then the unthinkable happened. I passed out while on the computer. My parents immediately knew that such a thing could happen ONLY if I was drunk. Passing out when on the computer, sheh!

That my friends, was a nice evening with good friends and good drinks. An evening to remember.

Women Drivers.

2008-04-04T21:01:00.002+05:30

Ya so you guys must have read the 10 things I hate. Remember I mentioned women drivers and how the space in that post was too less to rant about? Well, I remembered I could just click 'new post' and rant away. So here goes.

*scary imperial march music goes here*

When I was a kid, I used to hear many people talk about how bad women drivers can be. At that time my innocent mind used to say, "Oh what do these people know? My mother is a good driver!" Well, a few months later she drove the car into a deep ditch with me in the back seat. No issues Mom, we all have the occaisional accident. Love you Ma!

However. That incident got me thinking. What if the people were right? It was almost hard to bear it. There had to be a reason for their bias right? Then I grew up to be a teenage passenger with my Dad on the wheel. Realisation was happening.

Finally, I learnt to drive, and started using the car regularly. Now that I have first hand experience, I definitely agree with all those people who said 'Women cannot drive." Because they cannot. And I know I might sound like a sexist and a bigot, but it is the painful truth. People from Venus cannot drive cars. Let me give you a few examples:

1) I was driving on Andheri Link Road. There is some kind of construction going on there, so on one part of the road there is only one lane. So I was driving behind this lady in a Getz. Nobody in front of her. But she drives at a speed of *wait for it* 20 Kmph. OK, maybe she was being slow through the single lane diversion. After the diversion got over, she to slow down even more, and finally stopped. Like just STOPPED! In the middle of the road! After some furious honking and barely contolling the usage of expletives referring to male and female genitalia, she started moving. I realised that she stopped to take a friggin phone call! SHE FUCKING STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD TO TALK ON HER MOBILE PHONE!

2)I was waiting at a signal to turn left. Now, the road where I was waiting had only two lanes, one for oncoming and one for normal traffic. So in front of me, is this Priyadarshini cab. Priyadarshini is a cab service for women, with women cabbies. So this intelligent lady had nested her cab on the corner. 3 feet away from the pavement, brilliantly blocking my passage. I honk. She arrogantly motions me to go ahead. She probably did not realise I would have to push her car out of the way to go ahead. Thankfully, the oncoming traffic stopped for a bit so I could turninto the wrong lane and go ahead.

3) A LADY WAS READING A PAPER ON THE STEERING WHEEL WHILE THE SIGNAL WAS ON AND PEOPLE BEHIND WERE HONKING! 'nuff said.

I think these experiences of mine are proof enough that the fairer sex cannot handle cars and are better off some 30 feet away from the steering wheel of any vehicle.

FYBMM.

2008-03-29T00:27:00.003+05:30

A year is over. No not the 356 days wala year. An academic year. Over at pinkcharm89.blogspot.com, my friend Henna spoke about us and the year that went by. Henna, please don't expect me to write mushy stuff about us! But I will talk a bit about you guys.

ARVIND:
Fun to kid around with. Drinking buddy. Chicks are all over him. Oh, and writes good gay poetry.

CHILLAM:
Just Chillam. Its self-explanatory. But yeah. Good guy, cool guy.

SHARRU:
She laughs when you hit her! Ain't that cool! Hahaha! (No, nobody hit ME)

HENNA:

*piiiiiink is my new obsessionnnn*

Well, it ain't that new. I like her a lot because shes damn sweet and loves technology.

DOBU:
Sweetheart man. Can't make any sidey remarks about her! But yeah, she is a DOBU.

LOOLI:
MY GIRLFRIEND!!! ;)

VAIDEHI:
Groupmate, and overall a lovely person.

AARTI:
Lots to say about her, but well I love her! Thats sums it up I guess! :)

Anyways. now that the formalities are done with. Let me get a bit narcissist and give you some videos that highlight the glorious year that was. First up, the TV advert for QUENCH.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=b7xi9aKRIk8

Then, we have the launching of QUENCH.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=HVMP1ASqivc

And finally, my short movie for the Management project.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AT9Jwj8ezI

Well. These have been the highlights of the year for me, so I though it would be important to share them with you all.

*STATUTORY WARNING: Author about to get mushy and emotional about his FY now.*

I love BMM. I love the dept, I love my class, I love the subjects, I love the projects, I love the wackyness, I love Cutting Chai. I love BMM.

Well, that wasn't so mushy now, was it?

Cheers.

10 Things I Hate.

2008-03-23T17:46:00.002+05:30

After a nice 4 day mini-vacation, I have to start studying again for 3 bitchy papers. SEE! Three! The number is out to haunt me I tell you! Anyways, let me quickly note down 10 things I hate, except the number 3.

THIS IS GOING TO BE A TAGGED POST. POST 10 THINGS YOU HATE AND WHY ON YOUR BLOG. YOU MAY TAG OTHER PEOPLE TOO.

1) TAXI/RICKSHAW DRIVERS
The fuckers don't have rearview mirrors and they are as oblivious to lane discipline as Zulus and people over the age of 50 are to technology.

2)WOMEN DRIVERS
I do not want to be sexist but it is just the truth. Trust me. Women drivers are a hazard. Why you ask? Well, this space is too less to rant about that.

3) CALL CENTER EMPLOYEES:
They talk so fast its impossible to understand what they are talking about, that too in a dictation of English nobody can understand.
"HellomayIspeaktoMister Ran-a-dive? ImcallingfromVodafonethiseesregardingyourphonebillsirhaveyoupaidtheamount?....."

4)INVIGILATORS:
They stare at you. They will stare at you and then say something in the other invigilators ear. Then that person will look at you and nod his/her head. Then they will just come next to you and stare in your paper, or if you are unlucky and your partner is absent, sit next to you for the whole duration of the paper.

5) GENERAL STORE OWNERS:
"Bhaisaab aapke paas Rs. 100 ka chutta hai?"

"Nahi hai"

*Hands out Rs. 50 note to store boy and asks him to buy something from the neighbouring shop.*

6)WANNABES:
They lurk everywhere. They wear crass-looking Armani or Gucci teeshirts (fake, duh) and 'designer jeans' that hug their crotch so tightly that you get an eyeful of thing you don't really need to get an eyeful of.

7)ORKUT:
"hi there! myself salim from chunabhatti. u dun knw me n i dun knw u, but fate brings 2 ppl close. i jus happnd 2 go thru ur profile n u have a cute smile. will u b my frand? pls reply me."
Believe it or not, I GOT THIS SCRAP.

8)LIVERPOOL:
Enough Said.

9)EXAMS:
Because I am going through them right now and they suck and they make me a bloodthirsty monster. And well, who doesn't?

10)YOU:
For reading and not commenting. Well, for a bunch of other reasons too.

Phew! Well, thats that. Now I tag Aarti, Sharru, Menon and Henna.

Three. A Bitchy Number.

2008-03-17T16:25:00.002+05:30

You remember those old school exams when you were asked to write an essay on 'Technology — Boon or Curse' and you ended up giving 5 boons and 5 curses to make sure the debate is tied? Well I wish I got to put THIS little experience in one of the curses:

Dig this. I desperately need THREE CD's right now. Don't ask why, I just need them desperately. I check my computer cupboard (yes, I actually have a computer cupboard — tells you what kind of a geek I really am) for blanks, and I usually seem to have a few lying about. Guess what! I FOUND three blanks! Just my luck! So I go to burn them, and like the data refuses to get burnt! Why? Because I had tried burning something on these CDs some weeks ago and the burning had failed then! So, now these CD's are technically blank, and I cannot put any more data onto them. Swell.

Oh, and I had gone for an industrial visit to Kerela a few months back, and being the tea lover that I am, I bought THREE packs of flavored tea. Turns out my family swears by Taj Mahal and won't even taste these teas. So now I have to finish all three like a retard.

Three. I'm really beginning to hate that number.

Gangsta? Really?

2008-03-12T20:19:00.003+05:30

Gangsta Rap. Just another form of music which I will never understand.

What is so cool about overgrown peole with a fetish for the word 'nigga' wearing beanie caps and really oversized teeshirts and pants which dont even cover their arses? Whats so cool about holding your genitals once every 7.88226 seconds into your video? Whats so cool about cutting an album which feels like a mash up of the following words: nigga, sahwty, ho, weed, homiez? Whats so cool about cutting an album in which your first 19 songs talk about sex, drugs and gangsta wars, and the last one talks about how all that is bad and how you regret it?

And whats with 'yo mama' being the ultimate comeback to any insult? Like:

RAPPER ONE: Yousa faggot ass nigga, you know whut I'm sayin'!
RAPPER TWO: Yo mama.

RAPPER ONE: Ey dawg, whut you wanna have fo' lunch?
RAPPER TWO: Yo mama.

RAPPER ONE: Ey yo dawg I totally did that slut who lives next door las' night! What wuz you doin' lass night?
RAPPER TWO: Yo mama.

Tsk tsk tsk.

Gangsta Rap. Just another form of music which I will never understand.

In Response to Tagged.

2008-03-11T22:50:00.002+05:30

Over at Tanmayology (tanmayology.blogspot.com) Tanmay just posted his 6 random habits/quirks that nobody cares about. I, was tagged. Hence it is my moral duty to inform ye all about six random quirks or habits of mine.

1) I need the internet on whenever my PC is on, and that would be almost 24/7. Evem if I'm not using it, I still need it connected.

2) Whenever I am on the phone and I need to pay attention to something else, I always use the line "ek minute hold kar" in a strange tone. Always the same tone.

3) Whevever I go to play football at Shivaji Park, I always enter the ground with my right foot first. Always.

4) Like Tanmay, even I cannot bear a cluttered desktop. However, my obsession does not end there. I cannot stand people with dirty keyboards and even dirtier cabinets. I urge everyone to open your cabinet once a week and clean it thoroughly.

5) I have a weirdly oily forehead.

6) I hate it when people call football 'soccer'. It is NOT soccer, it always was and always be football.

Randomness

2008-03-11T11:57:00.002+05:30

I start off stating the obvious: I CHANGED MY BLOG TEMPLATE!

After experimenting with like a dozen templates, and having to reinstall and configure my widgets, it looks like I have found the perfect template. Until I get another jhatka and change it all over again. Irony is, this is an Apple template! Why irony I hear you say? Well because if you know me well enough, you would know I am a Microsoft Windows kind-of-guy, and not a Steve Jobs fanatic. I think Windows is much much much much much much MUCH easier to use and configure. Yeah, Tigers and Leopards look cool, but Windows rules my computer.

Speaking of Apple and Microsoft, its funny how two Steve's are ruling the tech world. I feel bad for Steve Ballmer though, I mean, yeah he is CEO of Microsoft and is earning big bucks and all. But imagine if he goes to a seedha-saadha udipi restaurant in New York (dunno why he would do that in the first place) here is how the conversation would be between Ballmer and another diner:

STEVE BALLMER: Hi, may i have the salt and pepper shakers?
FELLOW DINER: Yeah sure! I'm Chandrashekaran Aiyyappa, whats your name?
STEVE BALLMER: I'm Steve Ballmer, I'm the CEO of Microsoft.
FELLOW DINER: And I am Mother Teresa's fifth incarnation on the Earth.
STEVE BALLMER: No really! I am the CEO of Microsoft!
FELLOW DINER: Don't try to pull a fast one on me! Everyone knows Bill Gates is the CEO of Microsoft!

There you go.

The Whores of Football.

2008-03-09T11:26:00.008+05:30

STATUTORY WARNING: The author of this blog is extremely pissed with anyone whos last name either is and/or rhymes with the following: Atkinson, Distin, Muntari, Kanu, Campbell. References made to these people while in a 30-feet radius of the author will result in untimely and gruesome death of the refferer. You have been warned. Now, over to the author.

Yeah, thanks weird announcement guy. It is true though, I am extremely miffed after watching last evening's game between the rulers of English football Manchester United and a 4th division side named Pompsmouth. We lost. Unfairly though! People who know me KNOW that I can take defeat as long as its fair, and this match was anything but. Instead of rambling about what happened, I'm just going to ramble about various players so you gtet a fair idea of what happened. If you belong to the lesser human beings who are too slow to understand, go to these magic webpages and do research on Manchester United vs Portsmouth FA Cup.

http://www.google.com/

http://www.gettyimages.com/

http://www.espnstar.com/

http://www.manutd.com/

On with the player profiles. One referee profile also included.

PORTSMOUTH F.C:

Also known as Africa FC, a place where rejects from top clubs come to play their football. Or so they think.

MARK ATKINSON:

English cunt who could not give a card or a penalty clear and dangerous bodycheck on Ronaldo, but could give a red card AND penalty for just a little touch on Milan Baros.

MILAN BAROS:

Former whore of Rafael Benitez (manager of Liverpool), now offers his services to the Pompsmouth faithful. Has admitted he was a girl before he had a sex-change which went horribly wrong, which led to him being completely rid of any facial hair. Milan, all is not lost, you still look like a girl.

SYLVAIN DISTIN:

Notice the nipples sticking out.

Fromer Manchester City defender and part time thug. Spends time in pawn shops across England. Most likely to have his nipples showing out of his shirt.

SOL CAMPBELL:

"Goddamit! I'm already tired. Now i have to RUN back!"

Oldest living footballer at the tender age of 63. Has never scored a goal in his life, but wants to desperately. This is why he comes from central defence right up on top for corners. Just to find out that the corner has already been taken and the opponents have already scored by the time he reached the half line. Arsenal reject.

NWANKWO KANU:

Nwankwo Kanu with his offspring Emmanuel Had-A-Boy-Whore.

His name is Nwankwo. Hahahaha! Another Arsenal reject. He is the mother of Emmanuel Adebayor, who has now succeded him at Arsenal. Both Kanu and Adebayor come from ancient cockroach-human origins.

GODKNOWSWHATSHISFIRSTNAME DIARRA:

*PLAYER TOO INSIGNIFICANT (OR JUST A CUNT) FOR IMAGE*

Another 'Diarra' in football. Their main objective is to give competition to the rapidly increasing 'Cole's' in football. Surely a reject from someplace.

GLEN JOHNSON:

Chelsea reject. Cool Afro!

LAUREN:

"God knows why I signed here. I'm too sucky to play anyways!"

Yet another Arsenal reject. Never plays, because he sucks. Lauren, you were pathetic at Arsenal, you are even more pathetic here. Same goes for all other Arsenal rejects.

DAVID JAMES:

Veteran English goalkeeper who has played for every club in the world. A few of his clubs are listed below:

Ebbsfleet United

Accrington Stanley

Liverpool

West Ham United

Mohun Bagan

Derby County

Halifax Town

Yeovil Town

Mike's Ice Cream Sundaes
Sydney FC

Tabianszpor

Kyrghyziz Pashtunka Makachow FC

Best friend Nicholas Anelka (similar long list, now playing at Chelsea) has promised him he will ditch Chelsea when Portsmouth win a trophy and join them to get married to James.

More later.

Its Only Words... Part 2

2008-03-07T17:08:00.003+05:30

Well, if you are wondering when i posted Part 1, stop wondering and head over to writingabovetheinfluence.blogspot.com (Phew, sharanya...thats a loooong name for a blog! justanythingunderthesun is soooo much smaller and cooler :D)

Anyways. Lets get to the point of this pointless post. Words.

Epiphany.
How in the world are you supposed to use this word in a sentence especially when you are talking fast? Its almost IMPOSSIBLE to pronounce it!

Camaraderie.
Are we talking of cameras? or derrieres? And whats the correct pronunciation? Definitely not kamara-there-ee, if you know what i mean.

Hullabaloo.
I like this word! Its complete nonsense. Just like me.

Hogwash.
Washing hogs isn't exactly my idea of a perfect date.

Teetotaller.
Its like a tonguetwister in one word! HOW COOOOOL!

Maar - ke - ting.

2008-02-26T23:38:00.003+05:30

Goddamit this project is killing me. Well, not really. Au Contraire (I don't even know if thats the way the French say it. But what the hell) I'm quite enjoying it.

The only fuck up is that I have not been able to do Eco at all. KT is fast approaching. This is when I say: I'm Screwed.

Sharanya — Thanks a lot. Really really appriciate it. I am spending sleepless nights tryuing to juggle between Eco and Marketing, and thanks to YOU, i can't get the fucking 'Aye Hip-Hopper' tune out of my head. My day is made.

Such A KEWL Post!

2008-02-19T23:18:00.002+05:30

I hate abbrivieations. I also hate the way abbriviation is spelt. Point being, I hate it. Blatant use of abbri...ok, lets just call them fuckingstupidwords from now on. Yeah, so, blatant use of fuckingstupidwords in online conversations really gets on my nerves. It is like trying to be oh so cooooool. Oh wait a minute, did I just say cool? I meant KEWLLLLL. *notice the extremely fake wannabe American accent*

Ya so lik ive med up ma mind. M gonna rite da rst of dis post in fuckingstupidwords. Its soooo kewlll! it seems sooo ossum..it meks me wanna jump up in the sky and scream at da top of ma voice! i dunno y im evn typn this shit. bt da point is dat i despise ppl who overuse fuckingstupidwords.

Period.

P.S: I desperately want to make horrible jokes on my last word. But doing so will result in the untimely death of me. *giggles like a girl*

2008-01-21T10:53:00.000+05:30

Yeah well I got really sick of the old template. Been scavenging the net to look for cool new ones and finally found this. Sad part is I have to configure all my widgets all over again. Damn.

Anyways, Ill be pestering you guys for the links to your blogs again so I can update my blogroll.

But before that, time for a bath and ECS lecture. So bye!

NEED FOR SPEED: PROSTREET

2007-12-31T12:17:00.000+05:30

Need for Speed returns with a new graphics engine, damage physics system and now it takes street racing off the streets. But has EA mixed all the ingredients well enough to deliver a decent game?

By Amogh Ranadive

There comes a time in the evolution of any franchise when it loses steam, when ideas fail to surface, when the product stagnates. Right from the first Need for Speed title in 1995, EA has always managed to update its gameplay and graphics engine, managing to deliver a different and solid racing sim every time. We saw realistic police chases in Hot Pursuit. We saw probably the best simulation-style car handling in Porsche Unleashed. The import-tuner and street racing culture was introduced in Underground and it followed successfully in Underground 2. Then came Most Wanted, combining illegal street-racing and escaping the cops, a feature which was missing since Underground. A few years later Carbon came out and disappointed NFS fans over the world with its bland storyline and mediocre gameplay.

ENTER PROSTREET

Just when message boards were overflowing with users flaming NFS Carbon, EA announced the next title in the series — Need for Speed: ProStreet.
So what’s new in the latest offering from EA? Pretty much, if you look at it theoretically. What EA have done, or at least tried to do in ProStreet, is mix the culture of tuners and illegal street racers and the adrenaline of legit race weekends. Add to that the shift from arcade-style street racing to simulation based professional racing, and you get the explanation of the name as well as the game.

GAMEPLAY

The most anticipated aspect of ProStreet was the new and improved damage system, and trust me, it does not disappoint. Unlike the previous versions of NFS, in ProStreet every scrape against an opponent or even a hit on a traffic sign damages your car realistically. Not only will your heavily modded ride look ugly, every bit of damage will degrade the performance too. Damage is classified into two types. ‘Light Damage’ is minor body and performance damage while ‘Heavy Damage’ is major body and performance damage. Wreck your car a little too much and you risk totaling it. Damage can be repaired either with cash, or ‘Progressive Repair Markers’. Totaled rides need both cash and a special ‘Total Repair Marker’ Car damage plays a very important role in the game. If you damage your car a bit and decide to restart the race, the damage will stay. Also, damaged cars are not allowed to enter new race weekends.
Gamers who find the simulation racing a bit tough can turn on arcade style driving assists, which make the game a lot easier. The car tuning system is also heavily advanced in ProStreet. Players can create ‘blueprints’ for specific race types and share them over the internet. With the Autosculpt™ technology being more integrated into the tuning system, players can customize every detail about their rides and see how it affects the cars performance. Spoilers, body kits, roof scoops and rims all have an effect on the performance of the car, depending on the way you Autosculpt™ it. Players can also test their modifications in the wind tunnel, or on the track.

GRAPHICS

Let me waste no time in saying that ProStreet boasts of arguably the best graphics I have seen in a racing sim. The cars, roads and even the crowds are photo-realistic. HDR lighting is used in just the right amount. The graphics engine does justice to the advanced damage physics of the game. Every scratch and dent on the car is visible. It’s good fun to see the mangled hood of your ride get detached while in speed! A major improvement is the vibration of the screen as you give throttle. Finally, I can feel the true power of my ride.
The downside here is that you need a really powerful rig if you want ProStreet to look as good as it should. My 8800GTS 320MB was able to handle the game without any trouble with all graphics options turned all the way up, but lesser powerful cards are known to shudder.

SO WHERE DOES IT GO WRONG?

EA have taken a huge gamble to set the game up in a legit atmosphere. Since all the races in ProStreet take place on official racecourses, cop chases have been completely omitted. This little fact makes the game score poorly in the entertainment tab. It is just not fun to have tuned rides and not get chased over the city by the long arm of the law. Also, racing on the racecourses gets repetitive after a while, as you don’t have the thrill of discovering new shortcuts in the city like the previous titles.
The audio is poor, to say in simple kind words. The in-game soundtrack is a pathetic cross between electronic and hip-hop. Sadly, it doesn’t do justice to either genre. To add to our woes, voiceovers are below par. The repetitive commentary made by the announcer made me count the number of times the words ‘homie’,’ dude’, and ‘like’ were used in one hour of game play, and then switch the volume off to finish the game. The player’s nemesis, Ryo Watanabe’s voice acting is so poor, you have to strain your ears to hear what the guy is mumbling only to find out that 80% of his speech uses the words ‘umm’ and ‘whatever’.
The career mode menus are really tough to navigate through with the vast amount of race days. The number of race days also affects the overall play time, stretching it so long it becomes boring.

FINAL VERDICT

Need for Speed: ProStreet is a decent racing game, but it is just not as entertaining as its predecessors. You will find it really hard to play it for more than an hour at a stretch, as it offers nothing to keep you glued to your chair. The next-gen graphics are good to look at, but only if you have a high-end machine. All in all, EA have given us yet another disappointing title in their dying Need for Speed series. Passable.

FOR:
Excellent damage physics, graphics engine is superb.

AGAINST:
Poor audio, boring storyline, no cops, too long.

RATING:
6/10

2007-12-29T13:53:00.000+05:30

It's been a long month. Like really long. I know I have not paid attention to my blog the past couple of days, but I couldnt help it! So much was happening. First of all, I finally got my driver's license. So for about a week, blogging took a backseat, and I sat in the driver's seat. Along with that, work keeps happening. Finished my two reviews for the Jan issue (which I shall post here from now on, keep watching), finished with the countless festivals I was forcibly sent to, and now, as we all are, finished with the year itself.

After going through the painful procedures of obtaining a drivers license and getting my bank account made, I can say with proof — authority is stupid. I do not know what their fascination is with the ration card. It is supposed to be an ordinary booklet which gets yoou daily foodgrains at subsidised prices right? Well apparently its used for everything else but that. Like, everywhere you go, they want to see your ration card first as address-proof, identity proof, gender-proof, sexual orientation proof, right-handed proof, hair-color proof, pimple-on-left-buttcheek proof.

And me being the ever-lazy person, my passport and most importantly ration-card has to be invalid, due to ignorance and a general hatred of going and getting the documents renewed. Well, due to those attitudes, I almost ceased being a bonafide resident of this country. Well, in theory atleast. Hehe.

But WAITTT!!! I have an idea! I do not need to get these docs renewed to prove my existence! I HAVE MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!!!

You would not believe how empowered I was feeling at the time the thought struck me. So off I go to get my license at the RTO, probably the only fool with a birth certificate in hand. Confidently I produce the documents to the agent there. Yippeee I'm gonna get my license!!! WOOOOHHOOOOOO!!!

"Sir, ration card kidhar hai? Yeh birth certificate nahi chalega."

Damn.

Anyhoo, finally I got everything settled, (dont ask how) and now I'm leading a happy, content life.

A New Dimension To The Word 'Vegetarian' and Other Things..

2007-12-09T20:00:00.000+05:30

Attention seekers can be such a pain in the arse. The levels they will stoop to just to get people talking about them. They do not care if people talk bad, or good. All that matters is that people talk.

Take Mr. Y for example. This young man (?) has the uncanny ability to *hold your breath* talk to plants. Like WOW! Imagine the possibilities!! I know a guy who can talk to plants! The other day I was with him and his friend 'Shrubby'. Here is the exact conversation:

Y: SHRUBBY!!!!!!!!! How are you!
S: The One Who Speaks, Hello.
Y: So, what's up? Hows Oakley?
S: He is fine. In good shape. His furniture sells like hot sunlight.
Y: Oh, speaking of sunlight, hows your photosynthesis going? Everything cool?
S: Yes, no harm done to my bodily processes, yet.
Y: Achaa Ok, now I have to go Shrubbs, have to go and practice singing 'Incomplete'
S: Yes, O Great One, I shall miss you.
Y: Muahhhhhh!!

All I can say is..vegetarian has a whole new meaning.

Later.

Principles (or Principals) of BMM

2007-12-08T23:15:00.000+05:30

We, being media students, are expected to be creative, and always politically as well as grammatically correct. Which is why it pains me to see the overlords of BMM (our professors man, not the ones who created this course!) choose to be exactly the opposite to what we should ideally be.

Let me clarify my point using a speech made by the principal of my college at the convocation ceremony for the batch of 2007:

HOST: So ma'am, this is your first year at National College and you are witnessing your first graduation ceremony here, what would you like to say?

PRINCIPAL: I would like to say 'balle balle'.

HOST: Err..Ok..Apart from those highly motivating words, a message to the ex-students?

PRINCIPAL: Once there was a duck. She had five ducklings. She said quack quack and one duckling went away. (Story goes on and on). So you see my dear students. You are my ducklings and this college is mother duck. Childrens of it you all are. When mother duck calls you, do come back, ok?

Our ECS professor, the well-known TV presenter Mrs. Luku Sanyal who was sitting in the first row must have been wanting to kill herself.

Masculine Feminine

2007-12-07T21:09:00.000+05:30

Metrosexual.

The word itself sounds so gay, I refuse to be associated with it. IMHO (In My Humble Opinion, for all you non-internet freaks) being metrosexual is just another excuse for being gay. And no, I do not have anything against gay people. Today's lesson: METROSEXY IS NOT COOL!

Speaking of feminine issues in males, I get a lot of that in college. Some males are just heavily attracted to shiny silver female slippers. Some act gay for no apparent reason, just for the fun of it, and some people who talk to plants (yeah I know you are curious, more on that later) are just downright gay. Oops, I mean 'sensitive'. Sensitive my arse.

Dinner time.

Later.

Of New And Old

2007-12-06T13:49:00.000+05:30

So here I am, slogging my arse off to finish that ProStreet review which I am supposed to submit tommorrow. It is really irritating to see how EA have ruthlessly killed such a long-running and successful franchise. It takes one stupid decision (in this case to mix street racing and legal racing together, what were you drunk?!) to render all the hardwork useless.

If you guys at EA are reading this, take note: STREET RACING CAN NEVER BE MADE LEGAL.

It is like vodka without the kick.

Speaking of old being made new, I recently got a mail from the Yahoo! team announcing the release of their flagship IM — Yahoo! Messenger for Vista. Not thats its bad or anything, looks really flashy and completely different, but whats the use if it is real slow and just refuses to sign in? Lucky me still has version 8.5 installed.

Sometimes old really is gold. However flashy new might be.

Later.

Hello?

2007-11-14T18:04:00.000+05:30

So finally I have succumbed to the world of blogging, after a series of childish taunts directed at me by my minions for being a technology writer and not having a blog site. Well, here I am.
Its really weird. I'm sitting here in front of my computer as usual. Sleepy as hell, having not slept last night due to work. I'm finally addicted. Whoopee.